The Geico Gecko Meets The Twilight Characters
by fluffily
Summary: A total crackfic in which each and every one of the Twilight characters meets the Geico car insurance gecko. Hell mall? Alpacas? Torture? Severly strange happy places? The death of Eddie-kins's Volvo? Killer shirts? Read now and be amazed!
1. Edward

I was driving Bella to school in my Volvo when there was a flash of blinding light

**A/N: I own nothing. Up next is Jacob!**

I was driving Bella to school in my Volvo when there was a flash of blinding light. I looked at the seat next to me.

Bella was not there.

In her place was a tiny green lizard. It was obviously computer animated.

"'Ello!" it greeted me in a thick British accent. **(A/N: It is British, right? I don't know. It's an accent. Let's leave it at that.)**

"Um… hello? Who are you, and what have you done with Bella?" I asked nervously.

"Well, who are you? Who is anybody? Let's talk about something useful now. Did you know that Geico has local representatives in your area?"

"Really?" I asked, suddenly interested. Wait, why did I care? I already had car insurance. I didn't need a talking lizard to tell me about another company.

"Yeah, yeah. They're totally in tune with your needs. Do you have Geico car insurance?"

"Um… no. And why are they using a lizard to advertise themselves?"

"I'm a gecko, you idiot." His eyes glowed red for a minute before they returned to their normal color.

"Did your eyes just turn red?"

"Eh… no," he said with a guilty expression on his face.

"Yes they did."

"No they didn't."

"Yes they did."

"No they didn't."

"Yes they did."

"No they didn't."

"Yes they did."

"No they didn't."

"Yes they did. You're a vampire, and you ate Bella!" I screamed.

"No I didn't."

"Die! Die! Die!" I yelled, grabbing the lizard… gecko… _thing _by the neck and biting into its skinny body. It took me all of about two seconds to drain it of its blood.

And then a deep voice echoed throughout the entire car.

"Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance."

There was another bright flash, and then Bella was sitting by me with a frightened look on her face.

"Edward, why were you having a conversation with yourself in a British accent?"


	2. Jacob

A/N: You guys rock

**A/N: You guys rock! Six reviews after this had only been up for a few hours. This chappie is dedicated to you! I present to you: Jacob meets the gecko!**

I ran through the woods as a giant wolf, my long, unkempt fur streaming behind me.

"'Ello!" a small voice with a pleasing British accent called. I skidded to a halt and quickly phased back.

"'Ello? Who's there?" I asked, barely noticing that I'd also used the accent.

"Down here, mate," the tiny voice called. I slipped some jeans on and then looked down. A little green gecko was staring up at me. It blinked.

I loved this gecko. Loved it more than anything. It was so cute. At least now I'd imprinted. Even if it was on a talking gecko.

"I love you!" I shouted.

The gecko backed away. "Um… I was going to tell you about Geico's customer satisfaction rate, but then I found out you were gay…."

"I'm not gay! I can't help who I imprint on! Besides, you called me mate! I'll be your mate if you want!"

The gecko took off running. I ran after it and grabbed it in my hands. "Help! I'm being attacked!"

Then the bloodsucker burst through the trees.

"What are you doing here? You're breaking the treaty!" I shouted, hiding the little green gecko behind my back.

"Okay, mutt. Give me the lizard. Now. I thought I killed it, but then I heard its voice, so I thought I'd come and save you from its annoying accent."

"First of all, it's a gecko, and second, I love him! I won't let you hurt him!"

He lunged at it. I hit him and ran away screaming like a maniac. And then the little gecko disappeared from my hand in a puff of purple smoke.

"Nnnnoooooooooooooo!!" I screamed.

"Nnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooo!!" the bloodsucker yelled. "Now I have to hunt it down!"

"Now I'll never have a love," I sighed. I vowed to find the gecko and save him from the bloodsuckers' clutches.

Then the scene disappeared and I was a wolf. Embry was standing beside me.

_Dude, why are you screaming in a British accent about green geckos?_

**A/N: Okay, maybe not the best chapter, but I was in a hurry to get it posted before I lost my internet connection. I'll update again soon, and I promise it'll be better!**


	3. Emmet

I was sitting on the couch in the living room with my eyes glued to the TV

I was sitting on the couch in the living room with my eyes glued to the TV. There was a Geico commercial on. That gecko was awesome. I loved his Australian accent.

Edward stormed into the room. "Where is it!?"

"Where is what?"

"The British lizard! I hear it talking!" He was on his hands and knees, looking under the furniture. He looked at the TV. His eyes narrowed. The next thing I knew, there was a huge hole in the screen. Little blue sparks flew out of it.

"Dude, you have a serious obsession. And it's an _Australian gecko_. Jeez, you're one hundred and seven years old. I expect you to know these things."

"I don't care what it is! Where is it?!" he screamed.

"Right here, mate," the gecko's voice called from the couch. I looked down. It was sitting in a relaxed position with its arms crossed behind its head and its legs crossed, staring at the broken TV as if there was something on.

"You're dead!" he yelled.

"Edward, leave the celebrity gecko alone! This guy rocks!" I bellowed.

The gecko looked disturbed and began to back away. "My god, how many of you people are gay? And how many of you are going to try to kill me? I tell you, this TV stuff is dangerous business."

"I'm not gay! I'm a huge fan! And what do you mean, how many? Did you find out about Jazzy?" There was an angry growl from upstairs. "Oh, shut up, Jasper. We all know your secret. Besides, you're not in this chapter," I said.

"No, your little dog friend. You know, the werewolf. Now, I have a job to do, and that mongrel's gayness sidetracked me last time, so I have to tell you a lot to make up for it. Sit down, young grasshopper," the gecko said to us.

The last bit was for my dear brother, who growled and jumped at him. He dodged easily, and Edward ended up upside down on the couch. He growled again.

"Let us begin. Did you know that Geico has a ninety-seven percent customer satisfaction rate? To get the other three percent, I've been asked to stalk every character from the Twilight series. It's quite a crowd pleaser. Have you noticed?"

Edward threw a pillow at the gecko. "I knew it! You're a stalker!"

Jacob jumped out from behind a bush. Don't ask me what a bush was doing growing in the living room. Probably Esme's latest crazy home décor idea. An indoor garden. There were a few tomato plants growing by the bush. That would explain a lot.

"Dang it! How did you know that I was here?"

"I didn't, dog. But if you think you're going to stop me from killing this stalker lizard, you've got another thing coming!" Edward yelled.

"You're one to talk, watching Bella sleep like that every night," we all said in unison.

"But _I _have permission," he replied heatedly.

"The gecko has permission to stalk _me_," Jake said. He might as well have had little pink hearts in his eyes.

"Dude, isn't it my turn to be stalked by the celeb gecko?!" I shouted.

The gecko backed out of the room. "Okay, forget it. The males in this story are all mentally unsound. I'm going to go find the one called Bella."

"What!?" Edward shouted.

And then the room got all blurry. I shut my eyes. When I opened them, I was still watching TV. The gecko, the vegetable garden, and the hole were all gone. Edward and Jake were still there, though.

"Um… has anyone seen my pretty?" Jake asked.

"Why are you talking like that dude on Lord of the Rings?" I asked.

"Why are you talking in an awesome British accent that sounds a lot like the one my pretty uses?" he shot back.

"It's **Australian**!!" I screamed.

**A/N: Okay, you don't even want to know how much sugar I had before I wrote this. Anyway, I've put a poll up in my pro asking which character should be after Bella. I'll be taking it down about twenty four hours after I put Bella's chapter up. Oh yeah, and I need a disclaimer, huh?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not even the Geico gecko. Darn! Let's talk about something useful now, why don't we?**

**A/N cont: Anyway, go and vote. And push that little periwinkle button in the lower left-hand corner. If you do, the Geico gecko will stalk you, too! Um… that's a good thing. If you're not Edward.**


	4. Bella

I stepped into my bedroom after taking a relaxing shower for an hour or so

I stepped into my bedroom after taking a relaxing shower for an hour or so. Okay, maybe two… or so. The water bill was going to be high this month. My bad.

"Hello, love," Edward said quietly from behind me.

I jumped. He chuckled.

"Oh, hi Edward. Back from hunting already?"

"Um… in a way…."

"Why are your eyes still black?" I asked suspiciously. He looked away sheepishly. "Have you been hunting that poor little gecko everyone's been talking about lately?" I growled.

"Yes, yes he has," a small Australian voice said from behind me. I spun around to see the famous Geico gecko sitting in my rocking chair. Oh my god, the gecko was actually sitting in _my _rocking chair. This was the best day of my life.

I squealed. "Oh-my-god-I'm-like-your-biggest-fan!"

"Do you have Geico car insurance?"

"Oh my god, yes!" I screamed. I wondered why Charlie didn't come in and check on me. I probably sounded like I was having an episode of insanity in here. He probably didn't want to have to deal with a delirious teenage girl.

Edward looked murderously at the gecko. He gritted his teeth and eyed me like I was crazy. No comment.

"Well then, I needn't tell you anything. You already know! Now, shall we teach your little friend?" He looked at Edward, smiling evilly. I swear I saw its eyes turn red, but they flashed back to an innocent color immediately.

"No, Bella! Don't listen to it! Evil British lizard! Die!" He tackled the little gecko.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, get off of the poor little guy!" I hissed.

"But Bella," he whined. "It's a possessed stalker."

"Quiet! If you say one more word, I'll give your car to Jake to _fix!_"

He whimpered. The gecko laughed and stuck its tongue out at him.

"Alright, Edward. The gecko and I are going to hold you captive until you join the gecko cult. And you need to stop calling him a British lizard. He's Australian. Duh. You're one hundred seven. You should know these things."

"Exactly!" I heard Emmet scream.

"Emmet, shut the-"

"Edward, I told you to be quiet!" I shouted. He whimpered again and shut his mouth.

Emmet climbed into the room through the window, dragging an angry Jacob with him. "I wanna help torture him!"

And then the door slammed open. I spun around. Charlie was standing in the doorway, his face flushed almost black. The vein in his forehead popped.

"BELLA!!" he screamed, glaring at the three males in my room.

"Hi, Charlie," I whispered. He grabbed his throat. His eyes rolled back in his head, and he fell backwards.

"Uh… his heart's not beating," Emmet said quietly

"Oh. Oops. Well, at least now I don't have to tell him that I'm getting married," I said, staring at the unmoving form of my dad.

"Back to torturing Edward!" Emmet screamed.

The gecko was on the floor, poking Charlie's head. Jacob saw him, and he let out a shrill, girly scream. "It's you! I love you!"

"Um, did he just say he loves that ge-" I started. Emmet and Edward cut me off.

"He imprinted on it. He's gay."

"If he's gay, why does he love me?" I demanded.

Edward chuckled and put his arm around my waist. His eyes smoldered. "I don't know, love. But… can I have permission to kill the liz- I mean gecko?"

"No!" I screeched.

"You're no fun," he grumbled. Emmet suddenly grabbed him from behind.

"Time to torture him into getting Geico for his car insurance!"

"Great! Keep him here. I'll go get the sledge hammer and the Volvo," I said quickly.

Jacob was kissing the gecko. We all stared at him for a moment before he realized he was being watched.

"Oh. Um… I guess I'll help, too. Can I keep the gecko with me?" he said, hiding the gecko behind his back.

"I… um… have to go," the gecko said, wriggling out of the werewolf's grasp. He disappeared in a puff of purple smoke.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY CAR??" Edward screamed.

"It's okay, Eddie-kins. I'm just gonna smash it," I said evilly.

"Pwease don't do dat," he whimpered, giving me the puppy dog eyes.

"That won't work, little bro," Emmet laughed.

"My precious, it left me, it did. It hates me, it does. No one loves me, they don'ts. I is hated," Jacob ranted. We all stared at him.

"Well, I'm off to get the sledge hammer," I said, whistling as I bounced out of the room. I heard Edward scream behind me.

"NO! NOT VOLVIE!!"

The scene shimmered and faded and was replaced by Charlie. He was staring at me, confused.

"Um, Bells? What's with the Australian accent?"

**A/N: Again with the sugar. Only this time I also had caffeine. –evil smile- So I'm going to give you all more time to vote by making the next chapter all about 'The Death of the Volvo.' More insanity! **

**And don't worry, you can still choose Charlie to meet the gecko. He'd just see him in the afterlife. Long story. I won't give much away.**

**Review, people, review!**

**Dedication: All of my reviewers, particularly Chi Cullen. She never fails to review on my stories, and with long, humorous reviews. **

**Disclaimer: I still don't own any of the Twilight characters. Or the Geico gecko. But I bet I can still get it to stalk you if you review. So review!**


	5. Volvie

A/N: Do I even have to tell you how much sugar I had before I started writing this

**A/N: Do I even have to tell you how much sugar I had before I started writing this? Enough to send me into frenzied fits of laughter that try as I may, I cannot seem to suppress. Sadly, I own nothing. –cries theatrically-**

I ran over to Edward's Volvo, which was conveniently parked in the driveway of my house. Jake followed me. The gecko was already there, wielding a sledgehammer that was at least twice its size.

"Look, Jake! He's gonna help us!" I said giddily. The though of destroying Edward's beloved Volvie was making me slap-happy.

"He's so manly," Jacob cooed.

"As opposed to you," I grumbled.

"You're mean," he said, sticking out his lower lip like a two year old defying his parents' orders.

"Eddie doesn't think so. Do you, Eddie-kins?" I called to Edward.

"Hell, yes!" he screamed in a girly voice. Emmet's booming voice echoed through the neighborhood.

"You're in big, big trouble, Edward," I said threateningly as I grabbed a blowtorch. Jake grabbed a chainsaw, and together we murdered Edward's beloved Volvo.

"Volvie, meet the wrath of Geico."

We heard childish sobs coming from my bedroom window. Emmet exploded onto the scene, Edward still locked in an iron hold. He jumped at the car multiple times, denting the metal to fit the shape of his mammoth body.

He set Edward down, who immediately grabbed the gecko and sank his teeth into its neck. The gecko went limp, and then it disappeared in a puff of smoke, only to reappear on the hood of Edward's destroyed car.

"Sorry, mate. But it'll take a lot more than that to kill me. Your car wasn't so lucky, though, eh? Geico can fix that." Little black and white swirlies appeared in his eyes. You know, the ones in the cartoons when people are being hypnotized.

"Geico. Must. Get. Geico. Car. Insurance," Edward chanted, the swirlies appearing in his eyes, too.

"Aw, isn't that cute? My darling hypnotized the bloodsucker into getting Geico car insurance," Jacob gushed.

"Jacob. Must. Kill. Jacob. After. I. Get. Geico car insurance," Edward said in a blank monotone.

"Is the gecko doing that?" Jacob asked, backing away, hands raised in defense.

"Yes-siree, dog. If you don't start talking like a gangsta, I'll have the nice vampire kill you," the gecko said. Its eyes were definitely red.

"Word," Jacob said in a high-pitched voice.

Ten seconds later, Edward was normal again. He had Geico car insurance, of course. Jake was still talking like a gangsta.

"So, Eddie, how do you like your new car insurance?" Emmet teased and outraged Edward.

"I was cheated!" he screamed, chasing after the lizard.

"That's sad. He can't even catch a slow little reptile," I sighed.

"Get back here!"

"What the hizzle! Get off of my homie, leech!" Jacob cried. **(I know very little about the language of gangstas. Sorry about that.)**

Suddenly, a loud voice emanated from the sky. It sounded like the voice in the Geico commercials that always says, "Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance." But this time, it said, "What are you people doing? I can't imagine where you come up with this stuff."

**A/N: Not the best, I know, but in a little while when I close the poll and post the next chapter, we'll all be laughing at that. Yay! Review, or the Geico gecko won't stalk you!**


	6. Jasper

A/N: I know you probably all want to stab me for updating so late, but I have an excuse

**A/N: I know you probably all want to stab me for updating so late, but I have an excuse! –thinks- Uhhh…. –moment of silence- Okay, so I don't! Don't hurt me! I have a possessed gecko and severe randomness on my side! Don't mess with me! **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except for severe randomness. And if you review, I can get the beloved Geico gecko to stalk you. Even though I don't own him, he likes me. –hugs gecko-**

**A/N: Oh, and I forgot to say: It looks like Jazzy is the next victim!! After that, I'll do Alice or Mike. Tell me which one I should do first!**

**JPOV: **I sat in the pretty pink rocking chair I'd put in a secret chamber that was connected to the room I shared with my beloved Alice. Only I knew of this wondrous resort of mine. It was my happy place.

Pink, sparkly wallpaper covered the walls, which were soundproof and emotion-proof. Don't ask me how I was able to make a room emotion-proof. I just had to have some reprieve from the insanity of my family.

Lately, Edward had been feeling murderous and slightly deranged. Trust me; those are not some of the emotions I enjoy having rubbed off on me. Of course, the pictures of fluffy kittens I'd hung on the walls always made me feel better.

Not to mention the fact that Alice had been feeling like… hmmm, how do I put it…? Ah, yes. Like a drunken chicken. If it was possible for chickens to get drunk. I made a mental note to try that sometime. Anything was possible in my happy place, after all, and it could be fun. Anyway, I think Alice's chicken-like drunkenness was caused by visions. She had said something about a gecko, but that was it….

I was knitting a sweater. But not just any sweater. A _magical _sweater, a wonderful sweater. A _pink _sweater.

Then, out of nowhere, there was a sudden flash of bright light. Light so bright that my magical sweater caught fire and fell to the ground in a heap of ashes.

"Nnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooo!" I screamed. "My precious!"

"It's all right. You can always buy a new one, right?" a voice with a British accent said. I looked down. A lizard was standing there, looking up at me.

"_No, I can't, you little reptile!! That was a one of a kind sweater being handmade out of alpaca fur! And not just any alpaca fur, either!! It was a magical pink alpaca!!_"

Its eyes widened. "Wow, you're just as crazy as the other males in this story. You're a cross dresser who has marvelous taste in all things girly. Goodness gracious." He pinched the bridge of his nose in a way I would expect Edward to do.

I looked down at my outfit. I couldn't see how wearing a revealing bikini could be considered cross-dressing.

I jumped on it and strangled it. "Flattery won't save you now, you… you… you… sweater-killing British scum! And I'm not a cross dresser! I'm a woman impersonator!"

"Sorry, mate. I'm Australian. And now my glorious company will be forced to refuse to serve you. Good day."

He disappeared in a flash of bright light.

"Ow, my eyes!! It burns!!" I screamed, clutching my eyes and stumbling around the room blindly.

"Geico. Fifteen minutes of insane fanfictions could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance."

**A/N: I know, not my best chapter so far. But bear with me, I'm suffering from writer's block.**


	7. Alice

A/N: Cool, so it looks like Alice is next

**A/N: Cool, so it looks like Alice is next. Hurrah! And next I'd personally like to do either Charlie or Mike. Again, suggestions on which one to do first? Mwahahahaha and so, here is the next product of my evil, half-demented mind: Alice's Meeting With the Gecko!**

**APOV: ** I sat in mine and Jazzy's room, preparing my torture chamber slash makeover counter. Oh, that gecko was going to have one hell of a time when he came stalking me.

There was a crashing sound from behind me. I turned to see my dear Jasper fly through an opening in the wall that I'd never known was there before. It disappeared behind me.

"Aaaaaaaahhhhh!! I'm blind! The light! It burns!" he screeched.

I barely heard him. I was a bit preoccupied by his frightening outfit. Since when did my Jazzy wear bikinis?

"Uh…" was all I managed to say as he stumbled over to me. He became even paler when he realized I was standing there.

"Um, hi Alice…. I can explain…" he said, speaking to the air beside me.

"Jasper, I'm right here," I said, fear freezing me in place. He felt that.

"Um, okay. I guess you didn't know I was a woman impersonator. Oh, and the little hideout. Yeah, it's nothing. You really don't need to see it. Nothing in there anyway." Then more to himself, he muttered something about, "Except for the remains of my magical pink alpaca."

"Alpaca? And aren't you a cross dresser? Can I give you a makeover?" I asked, suddenly excited.

"Alpaca? What alpaca? I have no idea what you're talking about. Um, and no, you cannot give me a makeover. And _no_, I'm _not _a cross dresser, thank you very much. I am a very esteemed woman impersonator, and furthermore-"

"Nuh-uh, I think you're a cross dresser."

"Woman impersonator!"

"Cross dresser."

"Woman impersonator!"

"Cross dresser."

"Woman impersonator!"

"Cross dresser!"

"Woman impersonator!"

"Cross dresser!"

"Woman impersonator!"

"Cross dresser!"

"Woman impersonator!"

"Cross dresser!"

"Woman impersonator!"

"Cross dresser!"

"Woman impersonator!"

"Cross dresser!"

"Mentally unsound!" a familiar voice shouted.

"WHAT!?" Jasper screeched.

"He's here!" I said. Imagine me with sharp teeth and a gravelly voice. It completes the mental image. Before Jasper or the little gecko could move, I had them tied up to one of those old medieval torture beds you see in cheesy horror movies with iron, magically enchanted chains. There was no way they could escape my wrath.

I started with my mental husband, giving him an overload of blush. I put pink clips in his hair, and some lovely pink lip gloss covered his lips. I put loads of hot pink eye shadow and mascara on him. It was pastry thick.

"Alice, what are you doing? Alice?"

I did the same thing to the gecko. When I was done, I laughed maniacally and screamed at the top of my lungs, "Don't mess with me, I have MAKEUP!!"

There was a flash of blinding light. The gecko appeared in front of me with giant swirlies in its eyes.

"Crap," I hissed under my breath.

There was a loud roaring sound behind me. Edward and Jacob appeared in the doorway, Edward with a chainsaw in his hands.

Bella and Emmet appeared behind them.

"Edward, if you so much as put a scratch or a bruise on that innocent Geico representative, I'll team up with Emmet and Jake to fix your Aston Martin, too!" Bella screamed.

"No! Not Assy!" he screamed.

We all stared at him like he was insane. No, wait a second. He was.

"_Assy? _Edward, I think you've undergone some kind of head trauma. You need to see a doctor," Bella said, sounding genuinely concerned.

"You'd lose your mind, too, if you were constantly plagued by voices screaming at you in your head all the time!" he screeched, arms flailing.

That was when I noticed that he was wearing a cone-shaped tin foil hat on his head.

"Why are you wearing that thing on your head?" I asked slowly, trying not to scare him with big words and talking slowly enough that his pathetic mind could comprehend it.

"I'm not an idiot, you don't have to talk like that!" he screamed. "It's to keep the gecko from hypnotizing me," he added quietly.

"He tried to make me wear one, too," Bella complained.

"I know how to fix him," the gecko said.

"Hey, get back on your magical deathbed right now!" I shouted at it.

"Now, now, everyone. Let us not make a scene. The gecko has done nothing to harm us. Calm down, give me it, and it won't be able to bother you and your frail minds," Jacob said. His uncharacteristically deep, calm voice made him sound like some sort of monk.

"Heck, no! I'monna kill it!" Edward screamed. He jumped on Jake and attempted to saw his arm off.

"Um… get Geico car insurance. It's… exciting, at best," the lizard said to the wall.

"Wait, doesn't that mean it's the end of the commercial?" I asked when I realized he must be talking to a hidden camera.

"Nope, I think our viewers would like to see how this plays out. Besides, we can't stop until some person named Kitty decides to put down the keyboard. And she's on a sugar high, so that won't be happening any time soon."

"Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!! Never!!" a high-pitched voice screamed.

We all looked up.

There was a moment of silence.

"Is that the crazed sanatorium escapee who's been putting this all down in writing?" Emmet asked. He grinned. "I wonder if she'd write a one-shot about me and how manly and smart I is."

"Yeah, not gonna happen," the voice screamed. "I was going to do one in which you were a kitty cat, though!"

He screamed. "Nnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooo!!"

"Wow, she's bad," I chuckled as Emmet ran in circles screaming at the top of his lungs.

Edward suddenly appeared out of nowhere and chainsawed the gecko in half. It disappeared in a puff of smoke and then reappeared on Jasper's makeup laden face.

All eyes were turned towards the disturbing scene on the ancient metal torture bed.

The laughter that followed lasted for fifteen minutes straight.

"What's so funny? Guys? Can you get me down, please?"

There was a flash of blinding light, and the scene before me faded. I looked around. Everyone was still there, but Jacob and the gecko were gone.

"NO! It escaped!" Edward screamed, horrified. "And the dog's gone, too! I need to saw his arm off!"

**A/N: Actually, I think the next chapter will be what happens when the gecko accidentally drags Jake back to Geico headquarters. Hahahaha! And then I'll do either Charlie or Mike, so tell me which one soon! Again, review your very own stalker gecko.**


	8. G&J 4ever

**A/N: I know, I'm very slow at updating. Sorry, I was having some trouble getting my hands on some more sugar. But I gotted it. In the form of soda. Oodles and oodles of soda. I hope you all are enjoying your stalker geckos!! Here's the promised chapter of Jake and his one true love -cough- lizard -cough- in the Geico -cough- lizard -cough- headquarters.**

* * *

**GPOV (Yes, that's right. Gecko POV): **When the lunatic writing all this crap about me and my dangerous career decided it was okay for me to leave the presence of the insane make-up obsessed female vampire, I was a little too hasty in my departure.

In other words, the wolf followed me to my headquarters.

"Ooooohhhhhhh, lookit. It's your house, huh? What a pretty house. Very pretty. Pretty, pretty, pretty. Let's go inside. Huh huh huh? Can we? Puuuuulllllleeeeaaaassseeeee??"

I sighed. What was wrong with all these fictional characters? It must have been the fault of the author. What cruel people.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't send you back where you came from right now," I threatened.

He threw himself on the ground and started writhing around like one demented. "Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooo!! I hate that place!! It's insane, abnormal!! EVIL!! I wanna live in the REAL world like you!! Is that really too much too ask??"

I stared at him, unblinking.

Then I disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Somehow, he followed me through the black hole I opened up in doing so. That was going to be a problem.

In half a second, we were in my magical room. It was my happy place. **(Yes, that's right. **_**Another **_**happy place. This one's even better, though.) **

On one wall was a variety of torture devices from every time period. On the one opposite it was a glass case containing the old Geico cavemen, frozen solid for safekeeping. Good times, good times. On another was a huge plasma screen TV thingamajig that also worked as a computer, and, last but not least, a cage.

I proceeded to lock the werewolf in the cage, grab a tazer **(Spelling? I'm talking about that gun thingamajig that electrocutes peoples.)**, and attack him with it.

Instead of screaming, he sighed dreamily. Pink hearts appeared in his eyes. "A tazer? For me? That's so sweet of you!"

This was going to take a while.

* * *

Twenty-four hours later, electric eels, nuclear weapons, machine guns, cavemen with clubs, tanks, the air force, Edward Cullen (who also tried to kill me), flying monkeys, clowns, bubbles, moisturizing lotion, kittens, bouncy balls, hip hop and rap music, and much, much more failed to harm him.

"I love you, Mr. Gecko."

"Seeing as how I can't seem to kill you, I suppose we might as well get married, eh?"

"Oh, yeah!! And then we can team up and kill all the filthy bloodsuckers and do commercials together, and torture people, and and and and and and….."

**A/N: Next is the wedding. Lolz. And now if you review you'll be stalked by a werewolf and a gecko. If you like Jake, that's some deal. If you don't, you can kill him when he lets his guard down.**

**Disclaimer: Me- I own Twilight! And the gecko! Woohoo!!**

**Emmet Kitty- Meow! Meow meow meow, growl hiss!!**

**Translation: No you don't!! Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight!! And she would never turn me into a kitty, because she's cool like that!!**

**Me- Aw… then I guess that means I own the Geico gecko!!**

**Jacob Puppy- Bark! Bark! Bark! Whine, yelp, growl, bark!**

**Translation: Nuh-uh!! You idiot, **_**I **_**own the gecko!! He's marrying **_**me!! Me, me, me!!**_

**Me- Don't I own anything at all??**

**Edward- No. –moment of silence- MUST KILL GECKO AND MUTT WHOSE ARM I MUST SAW OFF!!**

**Me- Hey, you are SUPPOSED to be some sort of cute little animal to be included in this disclaimer!!**

_**Edward turns into canary.**_

**Me- YAY!!**

**Edward- Tweet tweet tweet!!**

**Translation: I'm coming for you, Kitty!! YOU SHALL DIE A PAINFUL DEATH!!**

**A/N: …crazy disclaimer, huh? Updates coming soon! **

**Dedication: Canaries, puppies, and kitties everywhere!! YAY!!**


	9. The Wedding

A/N: I'm baaaack

**A/N: I'm baaaack!! And with more mindless, brain-melting insanity!! –evil laugh- Waaatttccccchhhhh!! Um… I mean… reeeeeaaaadddd!! **

**Disclaimer: Mwahahahahaha, I'm beginning to enjoy these disclaimers. The last one was very fun to write. Here it comes… attack of the evil disclaimers!**

**Me: So, I, like, just had a birthday. And guess what my daddy bought me? Twilight and the Geico gecko! Isn't it cool?! I know, right!?**

**Canary Edward: Cheep. Cheep. Tweet. Tweet. Tweet!**

**Translation: Ugh. You brain-dead, overly-hyper FREAK!! You do not nor will you ever own twilight, so just effing **_**let it go!**_

**Me: You don't get it. I can do amazing things for Twilight and our favorite computer animated gecko. And you, my friend, are the one who needs to let it go. Seriously, the gecko doesn't pose much of a threat. Unless dead brain cells are threatening. So stop hunting him!**

**Gecko, who has spontaneously turned into a frog: -shifty eyes- True, true, I don't pose any threat at all. Ummm… much. **

**Kitty Emmett: Mrowl!! Grrr… hiss. Mew! Meow!**

**Translation: Hey, how come he gets to talk, and you have to translate for Eddie and I? Well… I guess you can leave Eddie as a bird. Bella mentioned something about how she always kills her pets. Well, well, (talking to Edward) you suicidal little canary, you. Either I can eat you, or we can hand you over to your fiancée. But I don't deserve this! I'm awesome!**

**Edward Canary: Tweet, tweet tweet!! CHIRP!! **

**Me: Gasp! Edward, language! Sorry, peoples, but Eddie-kins just said something very obscene. No translations can be allowed.**

**Edward: -looking sullen-**

**A/N: So pretty much, I don't own anything but a sugar rush. (Hey, that rhymes!) Sorry about your brain cells. Warning: Reading any further will cost you your mind. Proceed at your own risk.**

**Alice POV: **The mutt bounded out of the bathroom, a big grin plastered on his unbelievably ugly face.

"Alice! This is _perfect!_"

"I thought you'd like it. You and my Jazzy have a lot more in common than I'd originally thought. You both like to cross-dress. The only difference is that Jasper is being sent to counseling because I think there's hope for him yet. You, on the other hand, are a lost cause."

He blinked. "Can you repeat the part after the quotation marks?"

I rolled my eyes. "I would, but your brain would explode. And I'm not interested in cleaning dog guts out of my hair for the rest of eternity."

He sat down and started to hyperventilate melodramatically.

"What's wrong with you? I mean, besides the mental issues, the fact that you can kill people with your face, et cetera."

"I'm nervous."

"It's just pre-wedding jitters. Get over it. And stop hyperventilating. Leave some air for the rest of us."

"You don't need air."

"Yeah, but it's wasted on you."

He stood up and twirled around a few times in front of the mirror. His big, pink wedding dress barely rose around him in the turbulent air, it was so poofy.

I gagged. What a freak.

"I feel pretty, so pretty, and gaaaaayyy!" he screamed. **(I actually didn't come up with that on my own; I got it from a vid on YouTube. In my next update, I'll give you a link to it. It was something about what really goes on in titan tower. My friend made me watch it, I swear! She's way too old to be watching Teen Titans, and yet she does. –sigh- I hang out with some insane people. What? Me? Insane? No! Really? What was your first clue? Oh crap, this is a long AN. I'll stop now. Back to the story!)**

I grimaced, pulled on a pair of those white glove things that people wear when they no wanna touch something with their bare skin, and pulled him along behind me, nose wrinkled.

He giggled. I dragged him over to his dad, who was waiting by the top of the stairs, which I'd transformed into a ramp so I could drive my Porsche down it. Just kidding. Mostly. I'd made it into a ramp so the fashion-missing wheelchair could be maneuvered down it.

Billy smiled, grabbed Jake's arm, and proceeded to drag him, giggling and hiccupping (he must have gotten into the beer), down the ramp to the sound of "You're Pitiful" by Weird Al Yankovic. **(Go listen to it. It funny! Weird Al rules!)**

_My life is brilliant. What, was I too early? Oh, sorry. Should I- Do you want me to start over or- keep going? Okay… now?_

I jumped out the window and ran into the living room, where I sat by the rest of the assembled guests, watching as Billy and the -cough- drug addict -cough- came down the ramp.

_My life is brilliant. You're life's a joke. You're just pathetic. You're always broke. Your homemade Star Trek uniform really ain't impressin' me. You're sufferin' from delusions of adequacy. _

The gecko waited, perfectly still, at the end of the aisle, dressed in a manly tuxedo. (Well, manly compared to Jacob.)

_You're pitiful. You're pitiful. You're pitiful, it's true._

The dog suddenly wrenched his arm from Billy's and galloped down the aisle, his hiccups keeping time with his footsteps.

_Never had a date that you couldn't inflate. And you smell repulsive too. What a bummer bein' you._

Jacob sat down next to the gecko, criss-cross applesauce (yuck, applesauce) and screamed, "Let's get this show on the road!!"

_Well you just can't dance. And forget romance. Everyone you know still calls you farty-pants. But you'll always have a job. Well, I mean… as long as you still can work that slurpee machine._

Emmett, who just so happened to be the one reading the vows, started to attempt to do his job through the thunderous peals of laughter.

"I do," the gecko said in a robotic voice.

"I do!" screamed Jacob.

_You're pitiful. You're pitiful. You're pitiful, it's true._

Applause rang through the whole house, accompanied by the chuckles and barely-concealed giggles of the wolf pack and the Cullen family. The Geico employees were smiling to themselves. I wondered why and looked to Edward for an explanation. _What the hell? _I thought to him. He grinned.

_You're half undressed. Eatin' chips off your chest. While you're playin' Halo 2. No one's classier than you._

Commence vision: On the freeway just east of our house, a truck driver put a cheeto in his mouth. Savoring its deliciousness… suddenly, he choked on the cheeto. Now unable to breathe, he swerved and lost control of the vehicle, which pummeled through the trees straight at our house.

I opened my eyes. "This is going to be good."

_La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la loser…._

"You may now kiss the Australian/British/amphibian/reptile/lizard/gecko/stalker." Jacob squeaked joyfully and leaned in to kiss the gecko -- which promptly popped in his hands.

"Nnnnnooooooooooooo!!" he screamed to the heavens as he held up a piece of plastic inflatable gecko. "YOU SHALL BE AVENGED!!"

_You're pitiful. You're pitiful. You're pitiful, it's true._

Oh. So that was why the Geico employees looked so smug. It was all just a set-up to break poor Jakey's wittle heart. Not bad for a bunch of car insuring, gecko-loving, caveman-insulting morons.

_Your dog would much rather play fetch by itself. You still live with your mom and you're 42. Guess you'll never grow a clue._

That was when it happened. There was a deafening crash. Glass flew through the air, slitting the throats of the Geico employees, Jake, and all the werewolves.

Not to mention Mike.

And Jessica.

And Lauren.

Wow.

_Well, it just sucks to be you_.

As the last notes of the song faded into nonexistence, the gecko appeared. And so, for twenty-four hours straight, the Cullens and the gecko giggled and guffawed, surrounded by the dead bodies of all the other guests.

**A/N: I know, it's short. But I've been on a two-week long vacation, and then I read Breaking Dawn. Repeatedly. This requires locking me in my room for days at a time. I just **_**had **_**to update. Mostly to avoid being killed. Oh, and if it's not already painfully obvious, I know nothing about weddings. So I sorta just… guessed. –cringes and prepares to run- Heh heh, ummm… I dunno who I'll do next. Maybe Chawlie. Or one of the other peoples who just died. A moment of silence. –begins screaming wildly- Oh, and concerning that song. Listen to it, it's funny…. Umm… Oh yah, I don't own it. Weird Al does. It's a parody of that one song "You're Beautiful." Okay, well, review! (No killing, okay? It's bad manners.)**


	10. Charlie

**A/N: Yes, I'm updating. Surprise, surprise. I'm doing Charlie now! Oh, yeah. This'll be fun. Ready or not, here it comes!**

**CPOV: **I danced in the clouds, my giant fluffy wings fluttering joyfully. "Yay! Fluffy marshmallow clouds! Hey, I wonder if they're edible. I think I'll eat one and see."

I sank my teeth into the marshmallow-like substance.

And began choking.

"AAAAGGGHHH!! Fellow angels!! HELPETH ME!!"

Mr. Angela's Dad, my good buddy angel (who claimed to have died with Mr. Angela's Dad and a bunch of other random people in a car crash at a wedding between a lizard and Jacob Black-who went to hell-), walked up and stared at me. He raised an eyebrow.

Mr. Jessica's Dad walked up and grinned at Mr. Angela's Dad. "He tried to eat the poisoned one again, didn't he?"

"Yup."

"Should we help him?"

"Nope."

"Gotcha."

"-insert sounds of choking here-"

They walked away.

"Needeth some help there, mate?" a small Australian voice said. Must have been an angel that recently transferred from Australian Heaven to Crackfic Heaven.

More choking noises that sounded slightly like the word yes.

"Alrighty then," the voice said.

And I was magically cured! "HOWETH DIDETH YOUETH DOETH THATETH!?"

"Umm…. Modern medicine works miracles."

"Oh. I thought we weren't allowed to haveth any of thateth type of stuff here. The lasteth personeth to have some was senteth to hell… eth."

"Oh."

I looked up to see that my rescuer was a green… LIZARD!! Holy crapeth!! "I know you! You're that freaky gecko from the commercialeths!"

"Yes-siree. And I'm here to tell you that we now not only insure cars, but hot-air balloons, motorcycles, airplanes, helicop-

"OMFG!! HELL-icopters?? Unclean, unclean!! RED ALERT, RED ALERT, PEOPLES!!"

"Shut up, idiot."

Then there was a big, booming voice that reminded me strangely of the voice at the end of Geico commercials that screamed, "everyone, there seems to have been a mistake. Will all the werewolves, Charlie Swan, Mr. Angela's Dad, Mr. Jessica's Dad, and the rest of the people who died at a gay wedding gone horribly wrong report to hell immediately? You were all assigned to the wrong afterlife. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you."

The gecko chuckled and then disappeared.

I suddenly found myself in a mall standing next to Jacob Black and the rest of the wedding guests.

"Where am I?" I said timidly, scared. My wings caught fire and fell to the ground, burning into a smoldering pile of ashes.

"HELL MALL!!" screamed Jacob, smiling maniacally.

"Hello, my name is Alice's Evil Twin, and you'll be shopping with me for the rest of eternity," a perky, familiar voice squeaked excitedly. I turned to see a red eyed Alice with devil horns, a pointy tail, and a pitchfork smiling at us.

OH NO. ETH.

"Geico. Buy our insurance or you'll go to hell."

**A/N: Well, there you have it. Chawlie and his constant use of the word "eth". Sorry if that offended anyone at all. Really, no offense intended. Lol, I didn't have as much sugar this time. Sorry. We ran out. –hops in car to go buy more- Alright, well, review and updates will come soon. **

**Deranged disclaimer: **

**Me- Okay, I don't care what these household pets say! I OWN TWILIGHT!!**

**Canary Edward- Tweet. **

**Translation- Moron.**

**Me- Beep you, you little beep! BEEP! Shut the beep up!**

**Translation: I just cursed a lot. –smiling-**

**Geico Frog: Eh, as long as ya don't own me.**

**Me- Pfft. I own you, too. Beep.**

**Carlisle- I'm sorry, Kitty. But you don't own any of us.**

**Me- When will you people learn?! YOU HAVE TO BE AN ANIMAL TO BE IN THIS DISCLAIMER!!**

**Carlisle- Crap. What if I just stop talking? WAIT N- –turns into a lama-**

**Canary Edward- Tweet tweet tweet tweet!!**

**Translation: Hahahahahahahahaha!!**

**Emmett Kitty: MMMMMMEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!**

**Translation- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!**

**Me: -laughing and gasping for air- Oh wow. Okay, that made saying I DON'T OWN SQUAT worthwhile. I repeat, I don't own crap. –bites lip to hold back little sob-**

**A/N: Well, there you have it. I don't own anything. Okay, well, review and you won't go to heaven and then be reassigned to hell. –thumbsup- Oh, and the gecko will stalk you. Which usually means a deranged and majorly OOC Edward will visit with a sledgehammer, too. What could possible be better than that? No, srsly. Review.**


	11. Carlisle

**A/N: Guess what? I'm updating this and putting off updating A Whole New Edward! Yes, Kix and Tink, and you can't do anything to stop me, for I have turned off my cell phone! -bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha- Okay, sorry peoples who have no idea what I'm talking about. Now for the part I've been looking forward to. Ebil (yes, ebil), demented, melodramatic disclaimer time!**

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: I-**

**Llama Carlisle: -Whatever sound it is llamas make. Oh, I have an idea. Baa, baa, baa.-**

**Translation: Don't say it.**

**Emmett Kitty: Haha, Carlisle's a llama!**

**Edward Canary: Tweet? Tweet tweet tweet! Chirp!**

**Translation: Emmett, how are you talking? That is so unfair!**

**Emmett Kitty: Meow. Meow? MWAAAEEEOWW!!**

**Translation: Because the ebil person writing this forgot- Huh? Why am I meowing? WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!**

**Bella: Has anyone seen Edward? I can't find him anywhere!**

**Edward Canary: TWEEETTTTT!!**

**Translation: Bella, rrrruuuuuuuunnnnn!!**

**Me: Oh, you are so in for it now!**

**-Bella turns into a bunny-**

**Bella Bunny: -chews on carrot- -sniffs-**

**Translation: What the heck? Oh, hi Edward!**

**Edward Canary: TWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTT!!**

**Translation: Nnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!**

**Alice: Hey, I wanted to be a bunny! Piss off, Bella!**

**Me: -grins evilly- Oh, hello Alice!**

**Alice: Don't you dare-**

**-Alice turns into a cow-**

**Alice Cow: Mmmmmmooooooooooooooo.**

**Translation: You. Are. So. Dead. I won't be allowed to go shopping looking like this, I smell bad, Jasper won't recognize me, I'm hideous, and I'm not wearing any fashionable clothes! THIS SUCKS!!**

**Me: Oh, it seems we've reached our time limit. –edges away from angry animals- I guess the point of all that was to say I don't own anything. I repeat, I don't own anything.**

**A/N Cont: Okay, well…. Um… On with the story, I guess….**

* * *

**Carlisle POV: **I bustled around my office, dusting off each and every little thing in it. I was wearing a lovely maid's outfit with a pink duster. Hey, I didn't let Esme do it. Someone has to!

I smiled and went through it again. Ah, my happy place was in this office, which I'd made emotion-proof, vision proof, thought proof, and, most importantly, sound proof. If I heard one more word about British Lizards come out of Edward's mouth, I'd flip my lid.

Ahhh….

But here, I was happyful.

Ahhhhhh….

Especially looking at the pictures of kittens I'd framed and hung on the wall, the pink screensaver with llamas frolicking in meadows of pink and sparkles, my pink carpet, and…

The little Australian gecko sitting at my chair?

How did I know it was Australian? Intuition. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

"Nice place you got here," it said conversationally.

"Why thank you," I said, smiling.

"I know a song that's really annoying, really annoying, really annoying. I know a song that's really annoying, and this is how it goes. I know a song that's really annoying, really annoying, really annoying. I know a song that's really annoying, and this is how it goes. I know a song that's really annoying, really annoying, really annoying. I know a song that's really annoying, and this is how it goes. I know a song that's really annoying, really annoying, really annoying. I know a song that's really annoying, and this is how it goes. I know a song that's really annoying, really annoying, really annoying. I know a song that's really annoying, and this is how it goes. I know a song that's really annoying, really annoying, really annoying. I know a song that's really annoying, and this is how it goes. I know a song that's really annoying, really annoying, really annoying. I know a song that's really annoying, and this is how it goes. I know a song that's really annoying, really annoying, really annoying. I know a song that's really annoying, and this is how it goes."

Was my eye twitching? How strange. Twitch. Twitch.

"I know a song that-"

It was cut off by a series of choking, gurgling noises as I strangled it to death. When it stopped twitching in my fist, I dropped it in the garbage, humming a merry tune. "I shall not harbor vermin in my happy place. I hope you enjoyed your stay in my dungeon of death. Oops, I mean, happy kitty-filled rainbow planet of joy and joyness."

I continued to hum as I danced around the room, wiping gecko blood off the walls.

"Watcha doin'?" an all-too familiar voice said from behind me.

I turned around slowly.

Buumm buummm, buuuuuuuuuuummmmm.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!" I shrieked, leaping up on a chair. "Eeeeeeeeep!"

It was the gecko. Back from the dead.

"I wasn't dead, silly. I just pretended to die to annoy you."

"How did you know I thought that?" I asked suspiciously. If this was a prank from Edward… well, let's just say he was never going to see his precious Aston Martin again.

"Too late. The big oaf – I think his name was Emmett – helped me blow it up."

I raised an eyebrow. What of his Volvo?

"In a garbage dump somewhere."

"How can you read my mind?"

"I stole the one called Edward's precious ability… to annoy him."

"Wow. You like annoying people. If you owned an insurance company, I'd buy your insurance."

He smiled.

_Geico. Fifteen millennia could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance._

Woah. Where'd that come from?

**A/N: I know, I need some new ideas. But still, it was a rockin' chapter. Hooray. Review now, my lovelies. xD Lolz, just review. You get a free pencil sharpener if you do. And it's electric. –ooooohhhhh aaaaaahhhhhhh- **


	12. Rosalie

**A/N: So guess what, guys?! I'm not only still alive, but I'm updating! Wooh! Yep, you all owe me a big thank you… in the reviews. I will try hard to make this good. :) And I'm not being paid for this… so seriously, you all owe me a BIG thank you. ;) **

**Disclaimer: **

**Me – Finally, my plan has come together perfectly! I saved up two cents and spent all of it on Twilight! So I own it now! All of it!**

**Bella Bunny – Sniff. Sniff. Eats carrot and a human arm. Chirp. Chirp. Tweet.**

**Translation: You couldn't earn, let alone save, two cents if your life depended on it!**

**Me – Oh yeah?! Then explain how I bought Twilight.**

**Emmett Kitty – Mrrooooooowl! Meow! Hisss! Grrrr! ROWL!**

**Translation: You didn't.**

**Edward Canary – Chirp. Tweet. Bark. Meow.**

**Translation: Maybe she used counterfeit pennies.**

**Alice Cow – They don't make counterfeit coins, though, do they? That would be pointless. They make counterfeit million dollar bills. Now **_**that **_**makes sense.**

**Translation: Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.**

**Llama Carlisle – Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. B-**

**Gecko Frog – Will you just shut up already, mate?!**

**Llama Carlisle - …baa.**

**Translation: I think she's delusional. And no. I will not shut up. Stupid toad.**

**Jacob Puppy: Drool. Arf. Bark. *pees on fire hydrant***

**Translation: This disclaimer is long and pointless. You are all idiots – not my precious, of course, but all the rest of you. Kitty isn't funny anymore. When she returned and read through all of this story, she killed what remained of her brain cells. And furthermore… oh my god, a fire hydrant!**

**Me – I own nothing… O_O Geez.**

**A/N: Well… okay then… um, hope that was funny. Haha. Well then. On to the chapter – next up, a turtle! Just screwing with your mind, silly. Actually, next up is a turtle. Oops. I blame my dead brain cells. Actually, next up is Rosalie.**

**RPOV: **

I stepped into my closet, which was bigger than the Purple House… I mean, the White House. Oops. I blame my dead brain cells.

It was emotion-proof, thought-proof, vision-proof (the Alice kind), thought-proof, sound-proof, emotion-proof, vision-proof (the Alice kind), thought-proof, sound-proof, vision proof (the Alice kind), emotion-proof, brain-proof, thought-proof, emotion-proof, vision proof (the Alice kind), sound-proof, brain-proof….

"And gecko-proof!!!"

I looked around, trying to figure out which smart-ass-mind-reading article of clothing was talking to me now.

"Wear me, wear me!"

Funny, I don't remember them having Japanese accents.

"Get Geico car insurance!"

And since when do the voices tell me what kind of car insurance to get instead of telling me to kill Bella?

"Kill Jacob Black!"

There we go. Now, where was that chainsaw… oh… right… I sawed it in half with my other chainsaw (I blame my dead brain cells.)… well then, where was my other chainsaw?

A chainsaw fell from the sky and landed on a pile of charred, blackened, and otherwise dead clothes.

My eyes widened and popped out of my skull. They immediately started rolling toward me again. When they hit my designer shoes, they started floating toward my head. They stuck themselves back in my empty eye sockets.

"Okay then…" the Japanese shirt muttered, sounding very disturbed. Well ya know what, smart-ass-mind-reading-Japanese shirt? You can just blame my dead brain cells!

"That was creepy," another shirt that sounded a lot like Bella whimpered.

"I agree," a shirt that could have won an award for its ability to imitate Emmett's voice said.

"Yeah," Jacob-shirt muttered. "Freaky bloodsuckers."

"What am I doing here?" the shirt specializing in Carlisle imitations queried. Ooooh, queried. What a big word. What does it mean? I don't know. I blame my dead brain cells.

"Ssh, she'll hear us!" the amazing Edward shirt – only 1,999,999,999,999.99 dollars if you order now – growled at the other shirts, who ignored it.

"Woah… I feel bad that we have to tell everyone I'm related to that," the gay pink Jasper shirt mumbled.

"Aw, Jazzy, you're almost as bad as Rose. That's why everyone believes the two of you are related. But don't worry, the counseling is really coming along," Alice's voice emanated from another shirt.

I gasped. Oh, the horror! My shirts were speaking to me! Were they going to kill me? I could see the headlines now: Vampires Exist – We Know Because We Found One Being Ripped Apart By Her Own Clothing.

My eyes popped out of my skull again when a shirt fell off of a hanger, making an intimidating _thud _when it fell to the ground.

"THEY'RE COMING! THE INVASION HAS BEGUN!!!!!!" I screamed, running through a Jasper-shaped hole in the wall. _Huh… I never noticed that before… I blame my dead brain cells._

My clothes laughed demonically behind me. My designer scarves and jeans started slithering after me. I screamed. "HOLY FRIKKIN' CRAP!!!!!! WHATEVER I DID, DON'T KILL ME, KILL MY DEAD BRAIN CELLS!!!!!"

One scarf – made from only the finest magical pink alpaca hair – slithered in front of me and spoke in a Japanese accent. "It's not a Japanese accent, stupid. It's an Australian accent. And we weren't going to kill you" – at this the Japa- excuse me, _Australian_ alpaca scarf hid a knife behind its back – "we just wanted to make you buy Geico car insurance."

I stopped running as an army of evil clothes surrounded me, perfectly calm despite my dire situation. (Did it ever cross my mind that I could just use my vampire speed to escape? No.) "You mean the insurance company that uses cavemen and money with big eyes to advertise?"

The scarf's eyes turned red.

And yes, you may not realize it, but scarves do have eyes. They have eyes and fangs and I know because me and my dead brain cells saw them.

"No. The company that uses a gecko to advertise," the fanged scarf snarled.

I tried to remember if I knew of such a company. "…"

"You know, the Geico Gecko? The adorable, clever, hilarious little green British/Australian Gecko/Lizard assigned to stalk all the Twilight characters?"

"Twilight? British? Lizard? Quesadilla?"

"That's it. Edward" – its eyes turned all swirly… oooooo – "go buy the blonde vegetable some Geico car insurance." He handed me an autographed picture of a gecko.

"But you're a scarf."

"No I'm not."

"Yes, you are. There's not a single living… supposed to be living… thing here!"

"Then how do explain me being here?" Emmett asked from behind me.

"Emmy… shirt?!?!?!?" I said as I turned around to see a shirt with a picture of Edward and Bella on the front. Creepy.

A helicopter alighted, and a dude in a black suit jumped out of the door. He flashed a shiny badge at everyone. "I am Bob, of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. This T-Shirt is under arrest." He walked over and picked up a T-Shirt wih a picture of Jacob and Charlie on it (…nuff said…) and climbed back in the helicopter after giving the scene around him a funny look. Not funny ha-ha, but funny as in weird funny. Do you get it? It would be funny if you didn't. And by that, I do mean funny-haha, not funny weird. **(A/N: That's kind of something I got from Ellen Degeneres's book, ****My Point… And I Do Have One****, a very good, funny book.)**

The scene around me dissolved. I was surrounded by Carlisle, Emmett, Edward, Bella, Alice, Jasper… a gecko… you get the idea. Jacob could be heard screaming from somewhere overhead, just barely audible over the sound of the helicopter – that part was real. No joke.

"Geico. Fifteen minutes in the custody of the FBI won't get you anything. Good luck escaping," Edward said in a deep voice, swirlies in his eyes.

In the end, I still choose to blame my dead brain cells.

**A/N: Wow, that was hard. Okay, well, be honest when you review. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things. ^^ By the way, the FBI is coming for you if you don't review. *helicopter noises***


End file.
